1 00:00:02,935 --> 00:00:04,869 [ Announcer ] From television city in Hollywood. 2 00:00:04,937 --> 00:00:08,539 ♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪ 3 00:00:08,608 --> 00:00:12,176 ♪ songs that made the hit parade ♪ 4 00:00:12,244 --> 00:00:15,981 ♪ guys like us we had it made ♪ 5 00:00:16,048 --> 00:00:18,984 [ together ] ♪ those were the days ♪ 6 00:00:20,219 --> 00:00:24,255 ♪ and you knew where you were then ♪ 7 00:00:24,323 --> 00:00:27,525 [ Archie ] ♪ girls were girls and men were men ♪ 8 00:00:27,593 --> 00:00:30,328 [ Archie, Edith ] ♪ mister, we could use a man ♪ 9 00:00:30,395 --> 00:00:34,633 ♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪ 10 00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:37,769 [ Archie ] ♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪ 11 00:00:37,837 --> 00:00:41,706 [ Edith ] ♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪ 12 00:00:41,774 --> 00:00:45,710 [ Archie, Edith ] ♪ gee, our old lasalle ran great ♪ 13 00:00:45,778 --> 00:00:51,883 ♪ those were the days ♪ 14 00:00:56,656 --> 00:01:01,059 paleolithic: Relating to the second period of the stone age. 15 00:01:01,127 --> 00:01:03,227 Next question. 16 00:01:03,295 --> 00:01:06,031 "Neolithic." The final period of the stone age. 17 00:01:06,098 --> 00:01:08,033 Right again. 18 00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:10,702 Michael, you're gonna pass this test so easy. 19 00:01:10,770 --> 00:01:15,173 Okay, what's "mesoic" ? No, no, no. That's mesozoic. 20 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:18,643 Mes-a-what ? Look, say-- say it with me. 21 00:01:18,711 --> 00:01:20,645 [ Together ] Mesozoic. 22 00:01:20,713 --> 00:01:24,382 [ Laughs ] That's fun. Let's do that again. Say it with me. 23 00:01:24,449 --> 00:01:27,652 [ Gloria ] All right. Mesozoic. Mesozoic. 24 00:01:29,755 --> 00:01:32,590 Let's try something a little tougher, huh ? 25 00:01:32,658 --> 00:01:35,727 Engelbert humperdinck. 26 00:01:38,030 --> 00:01:41,766 You know what youse look like ? A couple of guppies. 27 00:01:41,834 --> 00:01:44,169 Hey, I got one. 28 00:01:44,236 --> 00:01:46,504 [ Together ] Archie bunker. 29 00:01:48,674 --> 00:01:50,608 I got another one. Mmm. 30 00:01:50,676 --> 00:01:52,744 The mamas and the papas. 31 00:01:53,979 --> 00:01:57,348 One more. Spiro agnew. 32 00:01:57,416 --> 00:01:59,417 Now don't do that on that name. 33 00:02:01,453 --> 00:02:04,055 Come on, daddy. We're just having a little fun. 34 00:02:04,123 --> 00:02:08,059 "Fun" ? Youse are always peckin' and grabbin' at each other. 35 00:02:08,127 --> 00:02:11,495 Sometimes I think youse are gonna do yourselves serious injury. 36 00:02:11,563 --> 00:02:13,497 Now, where the hell is this stuff ? 37 00:02:13,565 --> 00:02:15,666 You lookin' for something, Archie ? 38 00:02:15,735 --> 00:02:19,670 No, Edith, I'm-- I'm takin' a walk down memory Lane. 39 00:02:21,306 --> 00:02:23,374 How do you expect me to find anything in here, 40 00:02:23,442 --> 00:02:25,443 with all this stuff and all the boxes here ? 41 00:02:25,510 --> 00:02:27,812 And what do you call this, Edith, huh ? 42 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,915 That was a Christmas present. 43 00:02:30,983 --> 00:02:33,618 What fathead would spend any money on a thing like that ? 44 00:02:33,685 --> 00:02:35,820 From your mother. 45 00:02:37,223 --> 00:02:39,323 Seven years ago. 46 00:02:39,391 --> 00:02:41,826 It came with five pounds of choc-- [ Echoing ] 47 00:02:41,894 --> 00:02:44,095 Chocolate chip cookies. [ Echoing ] 48 00:02:44,163 --> 00:02:46,430 [ Laughing ] 49 00:02:46,498 --> 00:02:48,499 Put it down, will ya. 50 00:02:48,567 --> 00:02:51,669 Where did you lose the tube of instant glue that I bought last month ? 51 00:02:51,737 --> 00:02:53,972 I put it in that box. Let me look for it. 52 00:02:54,039 --> 00:02:56,474 I been all through that box, Edith. 53 00:02:56,541 --> 00:02:58,476 Well, I know it's here somewhere. 54 00:02:59,745 --> 00:03:01,913 What do you need the instant glue for, Archie ? 55 00:03:01,981 --> 00:03:04,883 You can't find it, huh, Edith ? I didn't say that. 56 00:03:04,950 --> 00:03:07,118 Well, show me where it is, huh ? 57 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,721 Can't you use a nail ? 58 00:03:13,092 --> 00:03:16,761 Edith, if you can't find the thing, why don't you simply say so ? 59 00:03:16,829 --> 00:03:18,897 I can't find it. 60 00:03:18,964 --> 00:03:21,666 What do you mean you can't find it ? 61 00:03:21,733 --> 00:03:23,734 You sure you can't use a nail ? 62 00:03:23,803 --> 00:03:28,673 How am I gonna nail a toilet roll holder to that tile wall up there ? 63 00:03:28,740 --> 00:03:31,542 Oh, very hilarious. 64 00:03:31,610 --> 00:03:34,578 I'd like to see youse two chasing that roll across the bathroom floor. 65 00:03:34,646 --> 00:03:37,515 I busted my head on the bathtub. 66 00:03:37,582 --> 00:03:39,517 Archie, that holder's been off for days. 67 00:03:39,584 --> 00:03:41,853 Well, why didn't you fix it, meathead, huh, 68 00:03:41,921 --> 00:03:46,390 instead of layin' around here all of the time, tryin' to swallow your wife ? 69 00:03:46,458 --> 00:03:50,428 All right. I'll pick up some tile cement and fix it tomorrow, okay ? 70 00:03:50,495 --> 00:03:52,864 Whoa, listen to the boy, Edith. 71 00:03:52,932 --> 00:03:57,268 He's actually threatenin' to do somethin' around here. 72 00:03:57,336 --> 00:04:00,671 Daddy, stop it. Michael does more odd jobs around the house than you do. 73 00:04:00,739 --> 00:04:04,542 She's right, Archie. He did fix the light in the kitchen. 74 00:04:04,609 --> 00:04:06,644 The polack changed a lightbulb. 75 00:04:06,712 --> 00:04:09,147 Don't make out he rewired the joint. 76 00:04:10,816 --> 00:04:14,118 Archie, for your information, I did more than change a lightbulb. 77 00:04:14,186 --> 00:04:16,120 And for your further edification, 78 00:04:16,188 --> 00:04:18,189 calling me a polack is not gonna bother me. 79 00:04:18,257 --> 00:04:20,424 I happen to be proud of my Polish heritage. 80 00:04:20,492 --> 00:04:23,794 What heritage ? You come from a long line of bowling teams. 81 00:04:23,863 --> 00:04:28,132 Yeah ? And you come from a long line of boneheads. 82 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,134 What ? You think with your mind closed. 83 00:04:30,202 --> 00:04:32,703 And you eat with your mouth open. 84 00:04:32,771 --> 00:04:35,974 You know, you are totally incomprehensible. 85 00:04:36,041 --> 00:04:39,477 Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense. 86 00:04:39,544 --> 00:04:42,080 [ Doorbell ringing ] 87 00:04:42,147 --> 00:04:44,115 I'll-- what's the matter ? Uh, uh, wait, wait. 88 00:04:44,183 --> 00:04:46,184 I forgot to tell him. Michael ! Tell me what ? 89 00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:48,719 - He didn't give me a chance. - Tell me what ? 90 00:04:48,787 --> 00:04:50,721 You were too busy callin' him names. 91 00:04:50,789 --> 00:04:53,157 Shut up and tell me what he didn't tell me. [ Both speaking ] 92 00:04:53,225 --> 00:04:55,994 Hold it. One at a time. Hold it ! [ Both speaking ] 93 00:04:56,061 --> 00:04:59,163 One dingaling at a time. [ Both speaking ] 94 00:04:59,231 --> 00:05:02,033 Shut up, and let me answer the door. [ Doorbell ringing ] 95 00:05:18,150 --> 00:05:21,585 Who and what is this, and why is it here ? 96 00:05:21,653 --> 00:05:23,788 Paul, come on in. How ya doin' ? Hi, Paul ! 97 00:05:23,855 --> 00:05:26,357 It's good to see you. [ Paul ] Nice to see you. 98 00:05:26,425 --> 00:05:28,993 Archie, you remember Paul goodrow. 99 00:05:29,061 --> 00:05:31,296 Paul goodrow ? He was my best man at the wedding. 100 00:05:31,363 --> 00:05:33,998 You were there. 101 00:05:34,066 --> 00:05:36,134 I remember him, but who's this ? 102 00:05:36,201 --> 00:05:38,169 [ Mike ] It's him. 103 00:05:38,237 --> 00:05:42,540 This is that nice boy with the combed hair and a pressed suit ? Paul goodrow ? 104 00:05:42,607 --> 00:05:44,542 Hi, Mr. bunker, how-- stay over there. 105 00:05:46,011 --> 00:05:47,979 Sit down and make yourself comfortable. 106 00:05:48,047 --> 00:05:51,582 So this is what they didn't tell me, huh ? 107 00:05:51,650 --> 00:05:54,052 That this individual was comin' over to the house... 108 00:05:54,119 --> 00:05:57,121 At 10 P.M. o'clock in the middle of the night. 109 00:05:57,189 --> 00:06:00,891 Yeah, well, we also wanted to tell you that we invited Paul to stay over tonight. 110 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:04,028 Oh, stay over. Jeez, you hear that, Edith ? 111 00:06:04,096 --> 00:06:06,030 I send in the mortgage payments. 112 00:06:06,098 --> 00:06:08,967 They send out the invitations. 113 00:06:09,034 --> 00:06:13,438 But, Archie, any friend of the kids is a friend of ours. 114 00:06:13,505 --> 00:06:16,941 Right ? Not necessarily. 115 00:06:17,009 --> 00:06:21,212 Oh, Archie. Paul, you're welcome here anytime. 116 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,714 Just like it says on our doormat. 117 00:06:23,782 --> 00:06:27,452 - Our doormat says "the bunkers," Edith. - Oh, no, Archie. 118 00:06:27,519 --> 00:06:31,856 - Our doormat says "welcome." - No, Edith, our doormat says "the bunkers." 119 00:06:31,923 --> 00:06:35,994 -But I'm sure it says "welcome." -Well, we'll settle it right now, Edith. 120 00:06:36,061 --> 00:06:40,398 I'll go out and get the doormat, and I'll show youse all it don't say "welcome" ! 121 00:06:42,267 --> 00:06:44,702 I'm sure it does. Edith ! 122 00:06:45,971 --> 00:06:48,939 Why does our doormat say "the mcnabs" ? 123 00:06:52,544 --> 00:06:55,380 Oh, that's right, I forgot. 124 00:06:55,447 --> 00:06:59,617 Ellen mcnab's police dog chewed our mat up last month, 125 00:06:59,684 --> 00:07:02,387 and I couldn't very well ask her to pay for it. 126 00:07:02,454 --> 00:07:05,223 I mean, what with the dog getting so sick. 127 00:07:07,192 --> 00:07:10,995 So I let her lend us theirs until we got a new one. 128 00:07:11,063 --> 00:07:14,798 We can't have this outside our house, Edith. We ain't the mcnabs. 129 00:07:14,866 --> 00:07:18,736 Well, the Petersons' doormat says "welcome," 130 00:07:18,803 --> 00:07:20,971 but I couldn't very well borrow theirs. 131 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:24,675 After all, it wasn't their dog that chewed up our mat. 132 00:07:24,743 --> 00:07:28,012 What has the Petersons' dog got to do with anything ? 133 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,248 The Petersons don't have a dog. 134 00:07:31,750 --> 00:07:34,118 Petersons, bunkers or mcnabs, 135 00:07:34,186 --> 00:07:36,120 this mat don't say "welcome" on it. 136 00:07:36,188 --> 00:07:40,024 Listen, I'll just drop it outside for you, and then I'll bring my things in. 137 00:07:42,861 --> 00:07:46,431 He's gonna bring his things in ? Why did you say that weirdo could stay overnight ? 138 00:07:46,498 --> 00:07:50,401 Daddy, Paul is not a weirdo, and besides, you used to like him. 139 00:07:50,469 --> 00:07:53,837 Yes, I liked him when he was a nice, clean engineerin' student. 140 00:07:53,905 --> 00:07:56,774 He used to dream about building Bridges and banks. 141 00:07:56,841 --> 00:07:59,710 Now he looks like someone who wants to blow 'em up ! 142 00:07:59,778 --> 00:08:01,712 There you go again, labeling people. 143 00:08:01,780 --> 00:08:05,483 Why can't you forget what Paul looks like and accept him for what he is ? 144 00:08:05,551 --> 00:08:08,252 All right. What is he ? 145 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:11,255 He's a nice boy, and he only wants to stay for one night. 146 00:08:11,323 --> 00:08:13,558 He's leaving for Europe in the morning. 147 00:08:13,625 --> 00:08:16,794 You give some of them weirdos one night, they take a month. 148 00:08:16,861 --> 00:08:18,829 [ Paul ] That didn't take too long, did it ? 149 00:08:20,532 --> 00:08:22,967 Robin, I didn't know you were along. Robin, how are ya ? 150 00:08:23,034 --> 00:08:24,768 [ Mike ] Good to see you. 151 00:08:24,836 --> 00:08:27,671 [ Mike ] How ya doin' ? 152 00:08:27,739 --> 00:08:30,341 Mr. and Mrs. bunker, this is Robin. 153 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:39,350 A million dogs and cats decoratin' the streets of this neighborhood, 154 00:08:39,418 --> 00:08:41,452 and she comes barefooted. 155 00:08:43,755 --> 00:08:47,225 - Who is this ? - This is Robin, my old lady. 156 00:08:47,292 --> 00:08:49,227 She's his old lady, Edith. 157 00:08:50,962 --> 00:08:53,664 This young girl is your mother ? 158 00:08:58,036 --> 00:09:00,971 Edith, think a minute, huh ? 159 00:09:02,608 --> 00:09:05,510 - Ask them if they're married. - No, we're not legally married, 160 00:09:05,577 --> 00:09:07,545 if that's what you mean, Mr. bunker. 161 00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:10,615 Tell them that's exactly what Mr. bunker means. 162 00:09:10,682 --> 00:09:13,817 Robin and Paul, sit down and make yourself comfortable, all right ? 163 00:09:13,885 --> 00:09:15,819 Daddy, they're not going anywhere. 164 00:09:15,887 --> 00:09:19,857 Yes, they are. They're going to a motel-- him and her and all their elegant luggage here. 165 00:09:19,924 --> 00:09:22,493 - They can't afford a motel. - They're going to Europe, ain't they ? 166 00:09:22,561 --> 00:09:24,262 [ Mike ] So what ? They can afford that. 167 00:09:24,329 --> 00:09:27,231 It's a charter flight, Mr. bunker. We've saved our money for months. 168 00:09:27,299 --> 00:09:30,968 -We've got every penny budgeted. -Tell him that I'd hate to unbalance his budget, 169 00:09:31,036 --> 00:09:34,972 but he ain't stayin' here with her together-- not without a marriage license. 170 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,041 It's immoral, tell him. 171 00:09:37,108 --> 00:09:39,544 And you decide what's moral, huh ? 172 00:09:39,611 --> 00:09:42,112 No, wise guy, that does. 173 00:09:42,181 --> 00:09:44,182 The television set ? 174 00:09:46,751 --> 00:09:48,752 No ! The Bible ! 175 00:09:48,820 --> 00:09:52,590 Edith, why do you leave the Bible on the television set ? 176 00:09:54,125 --> 00:09:56,994 Because it keeps falling off the refrigerator. 177 00:10:01,132 --> 00:10:03,701 So, that's it. Daddy, wait. You can't do this to them. 178 00:10:03,768 --> 00:10:07,205 So they're not married in the conventional sense. 179 00:10:07,272 --> 00:10:09,207 They happen to love each other. 180 00:10:09,274 --> 00:10:11,309 That's right, and it's love that counts, isn't it ? 181 00:10:11,376 --> 00:10:15,879 That love business may be okay in some places, but not here ! 182 00:10:15,947 --> 00:10:18,549 This is a Christian home. 183 00:10:18,617 --> 00:10:20,618 Get out. 184 00:10:27,826 --> 00:10:31,862 Fine. When Jeff comes in, make sure to have him call me at Mike and Gloria's place. 185 00:10:31,930 --> 00:10:35,333 Okay. Uh, you've got the number now. 186 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,668 Okay. Thank you. Peace. 187 00:10:39,838 --> 00:10:41,805 Babe, that was Jeff's kid brother on the phone. 188 00:10:41,873 --> 00:10:44,208 Jeff's still out, but as soon as he gets back, 189 00:10:44,276 --> 00:10:46,410 he's gonna call us and put us up for sure. 190 00:10:46,478 --> 00:10:50,448 Why don't they just get married and save all this bother ? 191 00:10:50,515 --> 00:10:52,516 Like you two. You're married. 192 00:10:52,584 --> 00:10:55,253 I know, ma, but they don't believe in it. 193 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:58,656 Oh, how can daddy send them away like this ? I'm so embarrassed. 194 00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:01,325 He's just against people openly expressing love for each other. 195 00:11:01,393 --> 00:11:03,527 No, no, it ain't that. 196 00:11:03,595 --> 00:11:06,096 He just don't like 'em expressing it in a sleeping bag... 197 00:11:06,164 --> 00:11:08,266 In the middle of his living room. 198 00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:13,271 Paul, Robin, your food's all ready. 199 00:11:13,338 --> 00:11:15,806 Just the way you like it. 200 00:11:15,874 --> 00:11:19,310 Raw broccoli, spinach and asparagus stalks, 201 00:11:19,378 --> 00:11:21,612 with soy sauce. 202 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:25,182 Are you sure this is all gonna mix up all right in your insides ? 203 00:11:25,250 --> 00:11:28,085 Something stinks in this house ! 204 00:11:29,220 --> 00:11:31,289 What is that over there ? 205 00:11:31,356 --> 00:11:34,625 Robin's burning incense. I think it's nice. 206 00:11:34,693 --> 00:11:37,628 It smells like a house of "ill refute." 207 00:11:39,731 --> 00:11:43,066 - Put it out. - I thought you were going to bed, daddy. 208 00:11:43,134 --> 00:11:45,969 Not till I get this thing settled. Did he get his telephone call ? 209 00:11:46,037 --> 00:11:49,206 Yeah, he made the call. Jeff wasn't in, but Paul left a message. 210 00:11:49,274 --> 00:11:51,241 Good. I hope he gets the message soon. 211 00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:53,644 Edith, hurry up with my cocoa, huh ? 212 00:11:53,712 --> 00:11:57,315 I wanna get to sleep. I gotta go to work in the mornin'. 213 00:11:57,382 --> 00:12:02,186 Archie, you could be in bed right now if you weren't so narrow-minded about this. 214 00:12:02,253 --> 00:12:04,188 I ain't narrow-minded. 215 00:12:04,255 --> 00:12:07,725 I just refuse to have any uncertified goings-on under this roof. 216 00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:11,028 No, no. No, no. You just got a hang-up about sex. 217 00:12:11,095 --> 00:12:13,230 I ain't got no hang-up about... that. 218 00:12:16,067 --> 00:12:18,803 No hang-ups ? You can't even say the word "sex." 219 00:12:18,870 --> 00:12:22,906 There's women around here, you palooka. I don't use four-letter words around women. 220 00:12:24,309 --> 00:12:27,745 Admit it, daddy. Your whole generation's afraid of sex. 221 00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:31,248 Oh, listen, little girl. If I was afraid of it, you wouldn't be here. 222 00:12:32,917 --> 00:12:34,852 Right, Edith ? 223 00:12:45,797 --> 00:12:47,765 Right, Edith ? 224 00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:50,901 I'm trying to remember. 225 00:12:57,141 --> 00:13:01,712 What do you have to remember ? She's here, ain't she ? 226 00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:04,348 The point I'm tryin' to make is that my generation... 227 00:13:04,416 --> 00:13:06,717 Had a little respect for its "womenhood." 228 00:13:06,785 --> 00:13:10,888 Do you think I would've spent a night with your mother before we had a wedding license ? 229 00:13:10,955 --> 00:13:13,257 I wouldn't let him. 230 00:13:16,728 --> 00:13:18,962 Will you stifle yourself. 231 00:13:20,499 --> 00:13:22,566 You're sayin', then, that with a marriage license-- 232 00:13:22,634 --> 00:13:26,103 a slip of paper from a total stranger-- you'd let our friends stay here ? 233 00:13:26,170 --> 00:13:28,506 Bull's-eye. 234 00:13:28,573 --> 00:13:31,975 I don't get it, daddy. What is so important about a piece of paper ? 235 00:13:32,043 --> 00:13:35,245 "What is so important about a piece of paper ?" 236 00:13:35,313 --> 00:13:38,549 That piece of paper makes the whole thing legal-- 237 00:13:38,617 --> 00:13:40,984 the whole setup, that's all. 238 00:13:41,052 --> 00:13:45,022 With that paper, you can go up to any desk clerk in any hotel in the country, 239 00:13:45,089 --> 00:13:48,959 look him straight in the eye and say, "gimme a double room." 240 00:13:49,027 --> 00:13:52,029 Yeah, but is the license the thing that keeps people together, 241 00:13:52,096 --> 00:13:54,164 or is it what they feel for each other ? 242 00:13:54,232 --> 00:13:57,000 Without the license, you ain't supposed to feel nothin'. 243 00:13:59,671 --> 00:14:03,974 Archie, I don't think it could be the license that keeps us together. 244 00:14:04,042 --> 00:14:06,009 We never see it. 245 00:14:06,077 --> 00:14:10,614 The last time I saw it, it was up in the attic with Gloria's layette. 246 00:14:10,682 --> 00:14:15,586 It's in the same trunk with my autographed picture of kay kyser. 247 00:14:17,388 --> 00:14:19,389 I wanna ask you something, Archie. 248 00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:21,425 Say mom and you didn't have a license. 249 00:14:21,493 --> 00:14:23,427 I mean, supposin' mom couldn't find it. 250 00:14:23,495 --> 00:14:25,930 Would that mean that Paul and Robin are as married as you ? 251 00:14:25,997 --> 00:14:30,568 No, wise guy, because your mother-in-law and me, we took our sacred vows. 252 00:14:30,635 --> 00:14:35,205 I'm glad you mentioned that, Mr. bunker, because, you see, we took our vows too. 253 00:14:35,273 --> 00:14:37,475 Tell him if he didn't take 'em in church, 254 00:14:37,542 --> 00:14:39,477 then God didn't hear 'em. 255 00:14:39,544 --> 00:14:44,114 He ain't married in the ears of God. But wouldn't Mr. bunker agree... 256 00:14:44,182 --> 00:14:46,116 That God is everywhere ? 257 00:14:46,184 --> 00:14:50,588 Tell him he certainly is. Then he was there when we took our vows. 258 00:14:50,655 --> 00:14:53,958 But he wasn't listenin'. Not without the license ! 259 00:14:55,627 --> 00:14:57,995 Wow. Oh, wow, wow, wow. 260 00:14:58,062 --> 00:15:00,097 See, these guys are all the same. 261 00:15:00,164 --> 00:15:04,234 They take one fall in an argument and they throw in the towel. 262 00:15:04,302 --> 00:15:06,570 Well, in the words of Harry s. Truman, 263 00:15:06,638 --> 00:15:10,073 "if it's too hot in the kitchen, stay away from the cook." 264 00:15:13,011 --> 00:15:15,312 Archie, instead of putting 'em down all the time, 265 00:15:15,380 --> 00:15:17,314 why don't you sit with Paul and Robin, 266 00:15:17,382 --> 00:15:19,316 talk to them, find out about them. 267 00:15:19,384 --> 00:15:21,785 Maybe you wouldn't be so uptight. Why don't you, daddy ? 268 00:15:21,853 --> 00:15:25,055 Edith, what are they eatin' here ? Raw vegetables. 269 00:15:25,123 --> 00:15:27,424 It looks like the bottom of a hamster's cage. 270 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,896 Come on, Archie. Sit down here and talk with 'em, huh ? 271 00:15:31,963 --> 00:15:34,264 All right, all right. I'll sit down. 272 00:15:34,332 --> 00:15:38,569 I'll have a chat with 'em. Let me ask you somethin' there, Paul. 273 00:15:38,637 --> 00:15:41,672 Exactly why did you become a freak ? 274 00:15:44,743 --> 00:15:47,811 - [ Mike ] Oh, Archie ! - I'll tell you, Mr. bunker. 275 00:15:47,879 --> 00:15:50,614 I just didn't like the idea of being one... 276 00:15:50,682 --> 00:15:52,883 Of thousands of young engineers... 277 00:15:52,951 --> 00:15:55,953 All doing the same thing, leading the same life, 278 00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:59,489 seeking the same goals day after day after day. 279 00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:02,960 To me, they're the freaks because they aren't happy. 280 00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:04,962 Let me tell you something, young fella. 281 00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:08,599 When you grow up, you'll realize there's more to life than bein' happy. Right, Edith ? 282 00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:10,601 Believe me. 283 00:16:12,003 --> 00:16:13,938 Now, did you hear that, little girl ? 284 00:16:14,005 --> 00:16:16,473 Did you hear the point we're just makin' right here ? 285 00:16:17,809 --> 00:16:19,743 What's the matter, sis ? Can't you talk ? 286 00:16:19,811 --> 00:16:22,546 No, Robin doesn't talk much. 287 00:16:22,614 --> 00:16:24,748 Well, what does Robin do, chirp ? 288 00:16:26,685 --> 00:16:28,819 How does she communicate to people ? 289 00:16:28,887 --> 00:16:33,591 You see, Robin thinks words are a waste of time, so she speaks with her eyes. 290 00:16:33,658 --> 00:16:36,594 Oh. 291 00:16:36,661 --> 00:16:40,497 Well, open up wide and let's hear the gettysburg address. 292 00:16:40,565 --> 00:16:44,001 - Archie, will you cut it out ! - Tell them to cut it out ! 293 00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:47,671 I'm sittin' here tryin' for a little give-and-take with your friends, 294 00:16:47,739 --> 00:16:50,941 but I ain't never yet learned how to converse with a pair of eyeballs. 295 00:16:51,009 --> 00:16:54,211 Daddy, we don't make fun of your friends, 296 00:16:54,278 --> 00:16:57,648 and believe me, they look just as ridiculous to us. 297 00:16:57,716 --> 00:17:00,751 That's right. You oughta look at 'em for once in your life. 298 00:17:00,819 --> 00:17:03,153 Take a look at some of those paunchy, cigar-chewin', beer-swillin'-- 299 00:17:03,221 --> 00:17:07,257 - hold it, meathead, hold it ! - Oh, oh ! Anyone's a meathead doesn't agree with you, huh ? 300 00:17:07,325 --> 00:17:11,294 Yeah, anyone who shows a little independence. Gloria, let me finish. 301 00:17:11,362 --> 00:17:14,131 All right, but don't yell at me. I wasn't yelling at you. 302 00:17:14,198 --> 00:17:17,200 I was yelling at him. You happened to be in the line of my yell. 303 00:17:17,268 --> 00:17:20,237 Well, you are yelling-- shh, shh ! 304 00:17:22,073 --> 00:17:24,274 What's the matter with youse, 305 00:17:24,342 --> 00:17:26,376 yellin' that way ? 306 00:17:26,444 --> 00:17:28,879 You think the neighbors is interested in listenin' to youse two-- 307 00:17:28,947 --> 00:17:31,214 ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ! Edith ! Edith ! 308 00:17:31,282 --> 00:17:34,752 - Ooh, Edith, the shoe ! - No ! Don't anybody touch him ! 309 00:17:34,819 --> 00:17:38,388 What is it ? His toe is gone. It's a toe spasm. 310 00:17:38,456 --> 00:17:42,993 He often gets them in the middle of the night in bed when the sheet's too tight. 311 00:17:43,061 --> 00:17:45,262 And sometimes, ooh, they come three a night, 312 00:17:45,329 --> 00:17:49,033 and once they start, they come regular-- 11 minutes apart. 313 00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:51,702 Get the shoe off, will ya ! 314 00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:54,938 Ooh ! Leave it alone, Edith. Let me walk on it, huh ? 315 00:17:55,006 --> 00:17:57,174 Get away from me, you. 316 00:17:57,241 --> 00:17:59,677 Ooh ! Oh, look, Archie. Your sock is too tight. 317 00:17:59,744 --> 00:18:02,713 That's what caused it. You better change to a size 10. 318 00:18:02,781 --> 00:18:07,317 You gained a lot of weight. How do you gain weight in your toes, Edith ? 319 00:18:07,385 --> 00:18:09,820 It's exhaustion that brought this on. I'm up too late. 320 00:18:09,888 --> 00:18:12,622 I gotta go to work in the morning, I gotta sleep. 321 00:18:12,691 --> 00:18:15,893 I can't wait for that phone call ! Get rid of these people ! 322 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,862 Archie, why don't you just go to sleep ? We'll wait up. 323 00:18:18,930 --> 00:18:21,565 We'll see that they leave with Jeff. I think it's over, Edith. 324 00:18:21,632 --> 00:18:23,967 Good. All right. It's feelin' better now. 325 00:18:24,035 --> 00:18:26,770 Sit down and put your shoe on. Yeah, gimme the shoe. 326 00:18:26,838 --> 00:18:29,173 Now, you stay away from me ! I never touched you. 327 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:32,976 Wait. I got an idea. I don't know why we didn't think of this before. 328 00:18:33,044 --> 00:18:35,545 Daddy, what if we all slept dormitory-style ? 329 00:18:35,613 --> 00:18:38,015 Huh ? [ Mike ] That's it. That's perfect. 330 00:18:38,083 --> 00:18:40,884 The girls upstairs and the guys downstairs. Yeah, that would be nice. 331 00:18:40,952 --> 00:18:43,921 Yeah, let 'em do it, Archie. 332 00:18:43,988 --> 00:18:48,926 Listen, you better get to bed. Your toe's got ten minutes to another spasm. 333 00:18:48,993 --> 00:18:51,895 Come on. What do you say ? 334 00:18:53,031 --> 00:18:55,032 If I say yes, you two kids promise me... 335 00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:57,868 Everything's gonna be kosher ? [ Gloria ] Promise, promise. 336 00:18:57,936 --> 00:19:00,170 All right, dormitory-style. 337 00:19:00,238 --> 00:19:04,574 Boys downstairs here, and the girls can go upstairs there, and everything-- 338 00:19:04,642 --> 00:19:06,576 what are you shakin' your head about ? 339 00:19:06,644 --> 00:19:08,812 She's s-saying it would be hypocritical-- 340 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:13,450 that for two people in love, such an arrangement would be immoral and unnatural. 341 00:19:16,955 --> 00:19:18,889 You just said all that to him ? 342 00:19:20,959 --> 00:19:23,627 Do you realize what time it is, huh ? 343 00:19:23,694 --> 00:19:27,697 Do you realize it's 12:30 A.M. in the mornin', little miss head shaker ? 344 00:19:27,766 --> 00:19:29,900 Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. 345 00:19:29,968 --> 00:19:32,502 I got a ten-dollar bill here, and here it is. 346 00:19:32,570 --> 00:19:34,504 Now, youse are both gonna go to a motel, 347 00:19:34,572 --> 00:19:37,174 and when you get there, I don't care what youse do. 348 00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:39,643 Youse can swing from the chandeliers, for all I care. 349 00:19:39,710 --> 00:19:42,980 I'm gonna get my sleep-- what are you shakin' your head for now ? 350 00:19:43,047 --> 00:19:46,083 She's saying it's not right for you to try to bribe us. 351 00:19:46,151 --> 00:19:48,551 It ain't right to bribe them. Do you hear that ? 352 00:19:48,619 --> 00:19:50,620 I can't believe it. I can't believe it ! 353 00:19:50,688 --> 00:19:52,856 I can't believe it ! 354 00:19:52,924 --> 00:19:55,259 Have some cocoa. It'll help relax your toe. 355 00:19:57,028 --> 00:20:00,297 Paul, uh, under the circumstances-- 356 00:20:00,364 --> 00:20:02,800 I mean, what if Jeff never shows up ? 357 00:20:02,867 --> 00:20:05,869 Then we'll just stay here like you offered. But look at the old man. 358 00:20:05,937 --> 00:20:09,306 Look at his condition. He offered you the money. Michael's right. 359 00:20:09,373 --> 00:20:11,341 You see that, Robin, don't you ? 360 00:20:11,409 --> 00:20:15,412 Look, Robin, I know it's not like what we planned, but-- 361 00:20:15,479 --> 00:20:17,714 would you stop with the head shaking and talk to me ? 362 00:20:17,782 --> 00:20:19,883 You see, Robin feels... 363 00:20:19,951 --> 00:20:22,419 That it would be self-defeating for us to leave now. 364 00:20:22,486 --> 00:20:25,655 That's bull. You wanna know something else ? 365 00:20:25,723 --> 00:20:28,025 This no-talking routine is bull too ! 366 00:20:28,092 --> 00:20:30,194 You don't understand, man. See, Robin says-- 367 00:20:30,261 --> 00:20:32,362 we don't care what Robin says. Robin, shut up. 368 00:20:34,532 --> 00:20:36,466 [ Doorbell ringing ] Oh, that's Jeff. 369 00:20:36,534 --> 00:20:39,469 It's about time. Come on in. 370 00:20:39,537 --> 00:20:42,306 Is this the bunkers' ? Your doormat says "mcnab." It's the bunkers'. 371 00:20:42,373 --> 00:20:47,144 Hey ! When I got your message, I just came right over. I didn't even bother to call. 372 00:20:47,212 --> 00:20:49,146 That's okay. I'll get my stuff. 373 00:20:49,214 --> 00:20:51,248 Jeff Walker, that's Mike and Gloria, 374 00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:53,250 and that's Mr. and Mrs. bunker. 375 00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:55,252 How are you ? Hello. Mike, Gloria. 376 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,254 [ Edith ] How do you do ? 377 00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:59,356 Hey. Aw, this is beautiful. 378 00:20:59,423 --> 00:21:02,226 Hey, what's happening, man ? 379 00:21:02,293 --> 00:21:04,228 I'm havin' a stroke. 380 00:21:05,463 --> 00:21:07,931 Far out. I can dig it. I can really dig that. 381 00:21:07,999 --> 00:21:10,934 You must be really spaced out, man. Stop talkin'. 382 00:21:12,803 --> 00:21:15,505 You gonna take them two with ya ? Oh, yeah, no sweat. 383 00:21:15,573 --> 00:21:18,342 You can start talkin' again. That's really heavy-- 384 00:21:18,409 --> 00:21:20,510 [ Paul ] Hey, Jeff, let's split. Okay, groovy. 385 00:21:20,578 --> 00:21:24,181 Uh, uh, Jeff. Meet my old lady, Robin. [ Chuckles ] 386 00:21:24,249 --> 00:21:27,517 Your old lady ? Oh, wow. 387 00:21:27,585 --> 00:21:30,620 Hey, man, you didn't tell me that you had your old lady with you. 388 00:21:30,688 --> 00:21:33,891 Now, I know this is gonna be a bummer, but I'm gonna have to cop out on you. 389 00:21:33,958 --> 00:21:36,559 What's that ? What do you mean ? What does "cop out" mean ? 390 00:21:36,627 --> 00:21:39,529 Can't do it. See, it's not me. It's my dad. 391 00:21:39,597 --> 00:21:43,967 He's got this hang-up about people having to be married before they can crash together. 392 00:21:44,035 --> 00:21:45,969 What's "crash together" ? Sleep together. 393 00:21:46,037 --> 00:21:48,438 Don't say that ! 394 00:21:48,506 --> 00:21:52,376 My dad would never let you guys spend a night in his house. 395 00:21:52,443 --> 00:21:54,444 Isn't that a downer ? Yeah, it's a downer. 396 00:21:54,512 --> 00:21:57,480 It's an upper and a bummer and a hummer and anything else, is what. 397 00:21:59,483 --> 00:22:02,219 But you're gonna take them two people the hell outta here ! 398 00:22:02,287 --> 00:22:04,587 Yeah, right, right. I'm very sorry, guys. 399 00:22:04,655 --> 00:22:08,292 Right, right, he's very sorry ? Where's he goin' ? Where are you goin' there, shorty ? 400 00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:11,895 Come back here ! Don't put them things down ! You ain't stayin' here ! 401 00:22:11,963 --> 00:22:14,898 Come on back here ! Hey, you're supposed to be full of love ! 402 00:22:14,966 --> 00:22:17,434 You're a member of the love generation ! I ain't ! 403 00:22:17,501 --> 00:22:21,371 I got one more thing to say to you-- ooh ! 404 00:22:21,439 --> 00:22:25,075 Edith, the shoe, the shoe ! The shoe, Edith ! Oh ! Archie, I warned you ! 405 00:22:25,143 --> 00:22:28,545 Eleven minutes. Oh, take the shoe off ! 406 00:22:37,922 --> 00:22:42,692 Oh, my. You made it to the airport and back so fast. 407 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:45,528 We just dropped them off. We didn't even bother goin' inside. 408 00:22:45,596 --> 00:22:49,799 Yeah, they have about six hours to wait, sleepin' on those hard benches. 409 00:22:49,867 --> 00:22:53,503 What do you want ? It's their fault. They could've stayed at a motel. 410 00:22:53,571 --> 00:22:57,174 Hey, how come Archie isn't in bed yet ? 411 00:22:57,241 --> 00:23:01,845 He fell asleep while I was puttin' the food away, and I was afraid to wake him. 412 00:23:01,912 --> 00:23:03,847 Hmm. You wanna wake him ? 413 00:23:07,651 --> 00:23:09,886 No. Not me. Uh-uh. 414 00:23:09,954 --> 00:23:12,456 You ? You wanna wake him ? Are you kidding ? 415 00:23:12,523 --> 00:23:15,025 [ Giggling ] He's not nice when he wakes up. 416 00:23:15,093 --> 00:23:16,893 No ! 417 00:23:16,961 --> 00:23:19,463 Hey, ma, what you got in that old envelope ? 418 00:23:19,530 --> 00:23:22,866 I was lookin' for our marriage license in the attic. 419 00:23:22,933 --> 00:23:25,802 And, mm, remember I told you I had... 420 00:23:25,870 --> 00:23:28,305 That autographed picture of kay kyser ? 421 00:23:28,373 --> 00:23:31,274 [ Mike ] Yeah. Well... 422 00:23:31,342 --> 00:23:33,877 I found a bonus with it. 423 00:23:33,944 --> 00:23:36,546 Look here. Now, look. 424 00:23:36,614 --> 00:23:39,549 Standin' there, next to Mr. kyser, 425 00:23:39,617 --> 00:23:43,786 that's the shoulder of Ginny Simms. 426 00:23:45,789 --> 00:23:48,158 It's getting so late, we're all getting silly. 427 00:23:48,226 --> 00:23:51,228 [ Laughing ] Let's go to sleep, huh ? Yeah. 428 00:23:51,295 --> 00:23:53,230 Oh, wait a minute. But what about Archie ? 429 00:23:53,297 --> 00:23:56,033 We can't leave him there sleepin' all night. 430 00:23:56,100 --> 00:23:58,835 Well, he's your husband, ma. Yeah. Good luck. 431 00:23:58,903 --> 00:24:01,738 - Oh, help me, somebody. - Wait, wait. 432 00:24:01,805 --> 00:24:05,708 We can't leave mom alone like this. We're a family. 433 00:24:05,776 --> 00:24:09,513 We've got to stick together, by gum. Let's all wake him up. 434 00:24:09,580 --> 00:24:13,250 Hey, I got an idea, okay ? What ? 435 00:24:13,317 --> 00:24:15,385 ♪ Down by the old ♪ 436 00:24:15,453 --> 00:24:18,288 ♪ not the new but the old ♪ 437 00:24:18,356 --> 00:24:19,789 [ all ] ♪ mill stream ♪ 438 00:24:19,857 --> 00:24:21,824 ♪ not the river but the stream ♪ 439 00:24:21,892 --> 00:24:24,794 ♪ where I first ♪ ♪ not second but first ♪ 440 00:24:24,862 --> 00:24:28,498 ♪ met you ♪ 441 00:24:28,566 --> 00:24:30,967 ♪ you were 16 ♪ 442 00:24:31,035 --> 00:24:33,270 [ Edith warbling ] ♪ you were 16 ♪ 443 00:24:33,337 --> 00:24:35,172 ♪ my village queen ♪ 444 00:24:35,239 --> 00:24:39,309 ♪ my village queen ♪ 445 00:24:39,377 --> 00:24:44,013 ♪ down by the old ♪ 446 00:24:54,358 --> 00:24:57,294 must've died and gone to the wrong place. 447 00:25:05,369 --> 00:25:08,572 Because youse all sure sound like hell. 448 00:25:10,908 --> 00:25:15,812 ♪ Mill stream ♪ 449 00:25:15,879 --> 00:25:17,814 ah ! 450 00:25:35,899 --> 00:25:40,303 [ Announcer ] All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience. 451 00:25:40,353 --> 00:25:44,903 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0